im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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