I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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