Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
