Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
