woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
