Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
