sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
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