I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize