when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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