look no pants
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
