I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
