I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
