Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
