Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
