i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
