Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
