I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
