You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
