turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
