Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
