last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
