Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Drake has all the answers
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
