He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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