It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
