now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
