yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
