So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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