I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
