You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sext me about skeletons
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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