I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize