We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
