HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
