i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
