I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
