dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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