my phone needs a breathalizer
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize