I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
