no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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