just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
