Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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