you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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