Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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