I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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