I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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