We're like a lot better than the average bears
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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