Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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