You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
