I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
