like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
