You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
