Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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