If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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