If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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