Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
