Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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