i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
