Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
