I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
